an undescribed feeling

todae
i went to hawa's SYF dance show at the university cultural centre (UCC) at NUS
she was beautiful n graceful
i told myself to look at her showcase as a whole group
but i couldnt
my eyes was locked on her and onli her
she was amazing

but tonite i am not talking aboud her SYF
its aboud wad we talked aboud at 9pm under her block
throughout this post tears will be rolling down my cheeks n i will not doubt it
we talked aboud her stress
home, studies n then me
i thought leaving her could give her one less problem
but it got worst

i have alwaes asked myself
hu am i to her?
so i asked her the same exact qns

her answers were heartwarming and heartbreaking

n then she asked me the same qns
but i couldnt answer
i told her at 1st i loved her but am willing to let her go
but after awhile i find that i could not let her go
whenever i asked myself questions regarding her and i couldnt come up with an answer immediately,
i told myself it means that i'm not ready

so i was walking her to her house
we stopped and spoked a little
n then we locked eyes
n she then kissed my hand like she alwaes did to show her love
n i kissed her forehead to show mine
at that same moment i felt sumtin flowing through my body
at that point of time tears start swelling in my eyes
n she was oready crying and shaking
i couldnt bare to see her cry nor let her see me cry
so i turned her around and gave her a little push
while i stood at a corner n cried
more tears could have fallen but i said a little prayer n pulled myself together
n then walked off with muhaimin

the sensation when she kissed my hand set off a spark
there was an undescribed feeling coursing through my veins
it felt like an eternity
n when i kissed her forehead
it felt like another eternity
it was sumtin i wanted to do for what seems like forever
to kiss her on her forehead n give her my blessings n my sincerest love

right now i wana pour my feelings out n tell her who is she to me

siti hawa binte mohamad haniff
i loved u n i still love u
u have showed me many things ever since we left each other
u were my teacher, my lover, my partner, my fren
sum1 hu took care of me, concerned aboud me, neav gave up on me
i dreamt of achieving many things with u
but i did not fight for it
i did not realise what was becoming of me
i knew that u still loved me
that idea gave me support and the strength to move on
but not hope
i did not hope
i told myself not to find another
n change for the better
that i am willing to come back to u if onli u wished of it
but when i saw u with another
my heart wobbled
my strength failed
my mind went haywire
but i was able push on
since then i was confused aboud hu i was to u
i was not sure of what to do animore
until todae
u told me of what u felt aboud me
it was heartwarming n yet saddening
i have neva been happier ever since we separated


i love u hawea
n i miss u badly