i do not know what to think

what to sae

i feel that my mind processing is slow

it takes me awhile to understand sumtin

i have to start my school career

n pick up the pace that i have lost

but i want things to go slow

so that there is time to think

n patience to build

my patience is built but onli by a few layers

a dae passes by through sheer boringness

n i react rashly to things

n there is the matter of self-control

i have improved yet it was not enough

humans are weak

n i am ashamed to be human

i hate myself veri much at times

reacting without thinking

reacting to impulse

humans are useless

in this blog i wan to puor out everithing i feel

i hate my family

i hate them very much

especially the ones that gave birth to me

i feel like not forgiving their mistakes of lettin me into this world

i have lost sum1 hu could understand me

hu care for me

like how a mother would take care of the son

but bcoz of them i lost this important person

i lost a great deal in my life

n i am stuck here

inside a cage

where darkness creeped at every corner

where i am trapped

waiting to be freed

to the outside world

which was full of light

hu can understand me

hu else

i'm workin alone

things that shud be forgotten were not forgotten

things to change neva moved on

n i'm stuck here

with hurt

pain

when i happily planted those emotions into sum1 else's heart

to understand sum1 whenu cannot understand urself

how is that?

isnt it stupid

i am not ready

but i reali want sumtin

why am i so weak?

wait i noe hu to blame

my parents

wait are they?

hu else can i blame

they taught me nothing

but anger

revenge

pain

hurt

tears

what to explain my reactions when i'm not happy

to venge on sumtin that was innocent

i have made many mistakes

yet there is nothing i can do

except move on

but how do i move on

i made mistakes over n over again

if oready stop making one mistake

i'll make a new one

n then i disappoint

n then i hurt

i irritate

frustrate

venge

yet it is that one thing that i've done all this

that gave me life

calms me

soothes me

everthing i sae

leads back to sumthing i have done or said in the past

leaving me to nothing

nothing to convince that i wana change

that i will change

bcoz what i did in the past left a scar

everitin i do

everitin i sae

will sumhow lead to that scar

imagine a honey comb for bees

which has many holes

i am in one of them

n the other holes are for others

yet i want the comb for myself

am i bein selfish?

bein caring

i find it not easy

i did not care aboud sumtin i loved

so if i cared now

it wouldnt make a difference

would it?

bcoz its used to how i react to it

when sum1 leaves in a house for like the whole of his/her life

n then suddenli that person was told to move houses

that person wouldnt want to

will reject that offer no matter how big the house is

no matter how luxorious

if a person's been rejected almost all the time

will that person reali get used to it?

that person can smile

but the eyes pierces ur heart like a hot flaming arrow

n then u feel guilty

see how weak humans are

maybe i'm weak

whatever i blogged ironically

wil be used against me

i have no doubt

but will they ever understand me?

i doubt that either

i'm still hurt n pained

yet i care n loved another

whom i received the pain n hurt

but why cant i endure depending from the pain n hurt i gave

why cant i be patient

i hate myself

why do i show care and concern at the wrg time

why am i at the wrg place at wrg time

WHY?!

WHY?!

WHY????!!!!!!!!!!!

FUCK U

FUCK EVERIBODI

i wana bash sumtin into bits

i hate this i hate this

but i havent feel this way for the past one month

I WAN EVERITIN BACK

put it back where it was

arrange it dun change it

GOD DAMMIT

why do i still feel insecure

there is still unsaid matters that i cannot describe in my heart

part me from my body

let me be in peace

where is that quiet mind

that boy hu didnt care aboud anitin

call him back

chasing after gals

bein called a nerd all the time

call him back

he was strong

n smart

jus not socialized

i wan him back

plz

come back

i want to shout into a cave

n let it echo back to me

i nid my school

a career to distract

sumthing

sumthing to read

to study on

essay

come back to me my heart says

ur not ready says my mind

i love you

ur eyes show me pain

hurt

yet ur smile deceives ur eyes

ur tired

i love you

why didnt anitin fall to plan?

promises

words

presence

care

concern

i will die for u

there are still unsaid matters

i'm sori for the hurt

i hate myself

expect the unexpected

bcoz it will hurt

n i dun wan to fall into the same hole again

things are slow but i'm not patient

i'm sori

n i love u

forgive me