sumthing striked me yst nite after religious class
sumthing that got me awe-struck, silenced me like duct tape over my mouth
i do not know wad is this feeling i have but i was veri glad my aunt mentioned it
so here it goes

all this emotions flowed thru my body, mind and heart with just one word

reponsibility

my 1st reaction was to process the meaning of it
as we all noe responsibility is based from the word reponsible
reponsible means to take blame for things u have done
to be able to answer for the actions u have done whether good or bad
well u all noe rite

but for me
i blacked out
my mind went blank
i asked my self. 'wad is responsibility?'
n i could not answer
have i been responsible b4?
again i could not answer

when ur responsible
u think b4 reactin
u understand consequences of ur actions
n u make decisions based on ur reponsibilities
i could not think of a time and place when i had been responsible
no evidence strong enuff to prove that i was

i asked myself
when i keep skipping school was i bein responsible?
when i scolded sum1 without ani reason was i bein reponsible?
was i bein reponsible when i didnt fetch my sister from sch?

my mind is filled with a gas similar to a smokescreen where u cant think clearly
i am confused
my aunt believed that if ur matured that is where u are responsible

i remembered my fren firhan telling me to think b4 reacting
he said
will u upset ur mum if u went home late?
what will happen if u go out without telling her?

thats taking responsibility towards ur actions rite?

yst
i used my laptop till 4 or 5am in the morning
my dad caught me awake dat late
so he got angry with me

wad aboud that
i didnt think he would wake at that time to check on me
is that responsibility?
i didnt think of the consequences if i stayed up late
i asked myself
why?
why cant i have that mindset
n i believe that this resulted me in hurting sum1 veri badly
i want to make a difference
i sae things that i dont do

haris u said i'm a loser n i noe ur joking
but from my view u were bein honest at the same time
i guess i am
but i'm trying to make a difference

i have done many irresponsible actions in the past
why didnt i learn from each mistake i made
n yet when i tried, i went back to my old self again
where is this maturity?
where is this responsible mindset hidden?
has life been too easy for me?
was i that spoiled?
does it have sumtin to do with how i lead my life?
the problems i faced?
the people i meet?

i met sum1 hu thought of others
hu thought of family
hu chose them over sumthing she loved above all others
n i could not understand why
why was that person doin so
why are they so important
i believe there are mani reasons
but right now and for sure
was that the person was bein reponsible
n strived do wads rite
n yet
i could not understand
yet i hurt that person
yet i threw tantrums
vulgarities, words that could hurt sum1 like hell
again n again n again
in the end that person could not take it animore
i left me

n i took time to understand
a veri long time
i do not even noe if i understand fully rite now

but i will make a difference
in myself
for myself
n let everione see how i've changed
with God's will
Insyaallah

i'm sori if i said a few words that might have hurt anione in the process
i am still confused